


wishing only wounds the heart

by we_are_the_same



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-12
Updated: 2013-01-12
Packaged: 2017-11-25 05:45:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,588
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/635713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/we_are_the_same/pseuds/we_are_the_same
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Zayn has always loved Harry. And Harry has always loved Louis.</p>
            </blockquote>





	wishing only wounds the heart

**Author's Note:**

> written for this prompt:
> 
> Can I please have some super-angsty thing about how Zayn has always been in love with Harry (please include some bit about how he was just fascinated by him even during boot camp), and how much it hurts him to see him with Louis? I don't want Harry to find out about Zayn's love for him, but if any of the other boys do, that's okay. Basically, the more angst the better.

It's not that he doesn't know. Zayn _knows_ , okay, he knows that Harry will never love him the way he loves Louis. The way Zayn loves Harry, has since the very first days on X-factor. 

Or no, it wasn't _love_ back then.

 

Fascination, though, definitely fascination. And admiration, because Harry's younger than him but he's so much more confident, thrilled to be here, maybe not totally certain that he'll impress people but hoping for the best. Whereas Zayn, well – he dropped out of auditions once before. Zayn is focused on all the things he can't do, all the ways he'll make a fool of himself, and as upset as he is at being sent home, he's almost relieved too. Because he can't compete with all these people, he knows that.

And then he's suddenly in a _band_ , with four other people that are _so_ good, and Zayn is terrified. They're asked if they want this and he wants to say yes, but he also wants to say no. Because it's one thing to be responsible for himself, to know that if he fails, the biggest person he'll let down is himself, but now four other people count on him to be amazing and he doesn't know if he can do that. He's not strong enough.

But then there's _Harry_ , and something about Harry calms him down, something about his green eyes and his easy smile makes Zayn believe that maybe he _can_ do this. Harry looks at him as though he needs him, and he finds himself taking that chance, risking it all because the way Harry looks at him _means_ something.

Zayn isn't stupid. He knows Harry looks at all of them like that, knows that it's the _chance_ that makes him look at Zayn as though he actually matters. It could've been anyone, any of the boys that have been sent home today could take his place and Harry would beam at them as though they're the most important thing in his life right now. But he still finds himself saying _yes_ , stumbles back when four other boys jump on him and they're a _band_ now, and he thinks, he thinks _I could learn to love all of you_.

 

Zayn doesn't love easily. But he does end up loving all of them.

He loves Niall, with his goofy smiles and childlike spirit, finds himself wanting to protect him, Niall who smiles and loves life and makes Zayn love life even when things get hard. Niall, who's always eating and who spends half an hour lamenting all the things Zayn can't have because of his religion, who brightens up considerably when Zayn offers to introduce him to all the dishes he's grown up with.

He loves Liam, who is the steady force behind One Direction, who helps him keep up with dancing and who runs through his lines with him until Zayn stops fretting about the fact that he tends to have timing issues. Liam is calm and mature and he loves comic books, and they spend entire evenings huddled in a corner, arguing superheroes and listening to music.

Louis is impossible not to love, though Zayn spent a week or two wishing that he could, criticizing his every move because he doesn't understand what his appeal is – or he wishes that he didn't. Louis is loud and obnoxious and yes, it can get irritating, but if Liam is the guidepost, Louis is the sun shining down on them. He's the most complicated out of all of them, Zayn thinks, and yet he's the one that people think they've got figured out. They don't see the calmer, quieter side to Louis, the insecurity and the doubt, and Zayn would go and talk to him because he recognizes a little of himself in the other, but -

But then there's _Harry_. And Harry looks like the sun rises and sets with Louis, like he believes that The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy is wrong and the answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe and everything shouldn't be 42, it should be Louis Tomlinson. He laughs at Louis' stupid jokes, beams in that stupidly happy way that fools _nobody_ when Louis so much as looks at him.

They're touching a lot, and Zayn isn't uncomfortable with two lads touching, he's got a little history in that department himself, history that all of Bradford knows about, so he's fine with them being all over each other, because all of the band are. They're touchy-feely by nature, hugs and cuddles and entangled limbs and even holding hands, but it's different between Lou and Hazza.

And Zayn thinks he'd almost prefer it if he could hate Louis, or maybe if he could stop that little voice in the back of his head that whispers mean things whenever he sees them together. It'd be simpler if he could stop being in awe of Harry, if he didn't have to see him every day – or maybe just, if seeing him every day would get _easier_. If there wasn't that moment, that first moment after spotting him, that he still feels out of breath. That moment where he thinks _yes_ and _you_ and he cannot, for the life of him, stop himself from wanting.

 

 

It gets better. After a while. Once Zayn stops wondering if he would've stood a chance if he'd spoken up earlier, stops blaming himself for never saying anything. It's obvious that Harry and Louis are stupid for each other, and it's almost sort of nice, to have that door slammed in his face. To know that that's that, they're _HarryandLouis_ and he's Zayn, their band mate, their friend. 

It also gets harder, because they're so close, the five of them. They spend every day with each other, and lines blur and there's no such thing as privacy, and waking up to find Harry spooning him isn't anything out of the ordinary. Zayn tries to tamper down that giddy skip of his heart, the desire to snuggle into him and allow himself to live in this fantasy world for a moment or two, a world where Harry will wake up and press his nose into his hair and whisper _mornin' love_ in a sleep-rough voice and Zayn doesn't have to remind him that he's not Louis because Harry already knows.

It's easy when they're together, all of them, and Zayn can see how delighted Niall is at seeing them together, can see Liam's knowing smile when Harry looks to Lou for comfort, only to find Louis already waiting to meet his eyes. His band mates are smart, they know that they're good for one another, and it's easier to love Louis when he sees how happy it makes Harry. Louis is good for him, can calm him down if he needs to, encourage him and hype him up if that's the desired effect.

It's harder when things between them are bad. When they're arguing over something stupid, when they've been in each other's space for too long and little annoyances escalate. When Louis gets insecure and takes it out on Harry, and Zayn watches his face fall and wants to punch Louis for making him feel that way. He wants to say that it's not fair, wants to follow Harry out of the room and comfort him, but then he sees Lou hunch in on himself, sees the self doubt and the loathing and oh, he can't hate him if he tries.

He hates himself, a little, when he comforts Lou and talks to Harry and ends up getting hugged and has them whisper _thank you_ in his ear before they hold hands and exchange kisses and whispered _I'm sorry_ 's. He wishes that he could accept their gratitude and feel proud that they think that he's selfless, but he's really not. Because part of Zayn isn't doing this for the band, isn't doing this because he hates seeing his mates fight over something stupid. It's doing this because if the band fell apart, Zayn would fall with it.

His life's become so entwined with the others', like an intricate knit work, and yet he feels like they'd be okay, without him. As long as Harry has Louis, he'll be fine, and despite their arguments, he knows that they'll never really separate. They need each other to survive, just like Zayn needs Harry, and once One Direction is over, he'll be left with holes in his defences where Harry used to be – because Harry is unaware of just how much Zayn needs him.

 

Once Zayn figures that out – and really, he's known that all along, but he's good at keeping his emotions under lock and key, hiding them away from the world, even from himself – he tries to stop needing Harry. It should be easy. Little kids can be weaned off their pacifiers, can be taught to be okay when their mummy isn't right by them every waking hour, so if toddlers can do it, Zayn can, too.

He dates a few girls, here and there. Thinks that if he fucks enough of them, he'll at least stop the physical craving. He wanks on the nights that he can't go out, ignores the jibes from the boys when they tease him about hormones and needing to buy new tissues at every rest stop.

He thinks it's working.

Until he finds himself in a cab one night, pressed up against Harry from shoulder to ankle, curly hair tickling his cheek and Harry sing-songing his name in a slurred voice, telling him _Zayn, you're so pretty, you're so lovely Zayn_ , and Zayn wants to cry as much as he wants him to never stop talking. He pets Harry's hair and tells him _you're so drunk_ and Harry laughs – and Zayn grits his teeth because he doesn't even have the decency to deny it, to pretend that he'd mean any of it if he weren't inebriated.

He helps him to bed because he's a good friend ( _such a good friend, Z, I love you, you know that?_ ), angrily shoves down the whisper of pleasure when Harry needs help getting undressed, fingers trembling as he pops the buttons on his jeans, watches Harry shimmy out of them before faceplanting on the sheets. “Good night,” he tells him, and Harry groans in response, and Zayn nearly loses his breath when it sounds like _wait_ or maybe _stay_.

He asks “Do you need anything?” and Harry attempts to push himself up, whines low in his throat when he lacks the strength to even do that, and Zayn absolutely does not watch the way the blankets fall down to his hips, the cool air sparking goosebumps on Harry's back.

He wishes that he could believe that Harry's said _just you_ , but his heart can't trick his brain, so he says “Lou?” and breaks his own heart a little further when Harry nods.

“I'll get him for you,” he assures him, and leaves the room before Harry can spew off any more about how good of a friend he is, or how much he loves Zayn in all the wrong ways.

 

He gets Lou, who pats his bum and kisses his cheek and murmurs _thanks for getting him home to me, Zayn_ and Zayn attempts a chuckle and says something along the lines of _your boyfriend is a handful_ or maybe _I'm glad that he's not my boyfriend_ and whatever it is, it feels hollow and fake, but Louis is already halfway down the corridor.

Zayn wants to thump his head against the door, but there's cameras in every hallway of this hotel, and he already gets enough shit on a daily basis, without adding _mental breakdown_ to his list of Perez Hilton articles. So instead he uses his hand to knock, waits for Niall to open up so he can fall into bed with him, too exhausted to care about whether or not he should, whether or not this is allowed.

Niall doesn't ask, just pulls the blankets over them when Zayn's laid down, and Zayn fidgets for a while, trying to keep a distance while not hogging the covers, until Niall sighs and says _oh, fuck this_ and worms himself into Zayn's arms. They don't talk after that, but Zayn squeezes him tight and Niall says _it's okay_ in a tone that would alarm him if he wasn't so sleepy.

 

It happens more often, after that.

Not like _that_. It's never been like that, with Niall. He's well up for a cuddle or rough-housing, but he's not into guys the way Zayn is, the way Louis and Harry are. He's fallen asleep with him a few times before, but Zayn's never sought him out, never went to his room in the middle of the night, climbing into his bed on purpose. It's always been _I'm too tired to move_ or _budge over, my back hurts_ , but now it's _can I stay with you tonight?_

Zayn knows that Niall knows the nights aren't random. Knows that he sees the pattern, that it's always nights Zayn's gone out with Harry, or nights that he's been sandwiched between Harry and the edge of the couch, always nights that make Zayn's skin itch and have him want to cry and scream and hit Harry, or kiss him. He also knows that Niall is the only one who notices. Meeting his eyes in an interview, Zayn sometimes catches the look of worry on his face, or the brief flicker of annoyance when Harry curls himself around Zayn and pretends to leave a love bite on his throat.

He loves Niall even more these days, even if part of him wants to assure him that it's okay, that he doesn't need to be concerned, or look as though part of him wants to tell Harry to knock it off, stop being so self-involved and _see_ how much what he's doing is hurting Zayn.

They don't talk about it, but Niall holds him a bit tighter after particularly bad nights, and Zayn shakes his head when Niall parts his lips to tell Harry off, smiles at him when Niall goes in to intercept the flurry of limbs that precedes a Harry cuddle. Harry seems surprised, the first time, but settles into it, seemingly unconcerned with who he ends up wrapping his arms and legs around – and that hurts, Zayn won't deny it, but it's a good kind of hurt, in a way.

It's the kind of hurt that tells him _this is how it is, Zayn Malik_ and _stop dreaming_ , but it's also the kind of hurt that comes with a feeling of warmth and fondness, of _Niall loves me_ and _Niall understands_ and _I'm important_ – because he has to be, for Niall to go out of his way to protect him.

Zayn might say that he doesn't need protection, might argue that he doesn't _want_ to be protected from Harry, from his own heart, but he knows that that would be foolish. Knows that it's better this way, both right now and in the long run.

And even though he's not sure that this feeling will ever fully fade, that he'll ever stop wishing for something more, stop having his heart skip a beat when Harry smiles at him -- he knows, at least, that for every hole Harry manages to blow in his defences, with smiles and cuddles and _I love you Zayn_ 's, Niall will be there to fill them back up. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm not quite sure on this story, tbh. I hope you guys liked it all the same <3


End file.
